From Selah, With Love

The Taming of the ..... I mean, the Naming of the Child...

2012-01-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Who should name the kid?

In my opinion, seeing as how both the mother and father are completely necessary for the creation and raising of the child, they should compromise on a name. Apparently that is not how things work in some people's heads.

-__________-

First Love

2012-01-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

When they decide that you can't even email them anymore....... what do you do?

Housewife, or lazy gold-digging wench?

2012-01-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was reading Monica Mingo's "Randoms of a creole princess" and sorta did my own in the comments... one thing in particular I actually wanted to write about on here. Yea. Finally. lol.

I used to think I didn't have a "passion". I'd see all my friends striving to be something... wanting to do something. Law school. Med school. Act. Model. Make clothes. Teach.

Then there was me. The girl who was good at everything, but didn't really care for anything. Sports. School. Management. Work. Doesn't matter, you name it, I can do it... with ease. But I never felt compelled to be anything, or do anything in particular. I had no passion -- and it was evident.

Then I realized, I AM passionate about certain things. I LOVE entertaining. I love cooking for friends, and my boyfriend. I love cleaning -- well. I love a clean apartment, and cleaning to music or a tv show is fun for me. I don't know if I necessarily love it. lol. I love when my bf comes home and the house smells good, I look good and I have a glass of wine, or shot of hennesy, waiting on him and he smiles. Hell, I love when he comes home. I love talking about hair. I love working out. I suck at decorating, but I love making our place feel like home. Creating a sanctuary.

I'm in love with being a housewife.

In this economic climate, it's not as easy for many families to be single-income. I get that. In this era of post-women's lib, it seems like women who want to be housewives are judged as lazy and gold-digging. I get that, too. In Los Angeles County, the city where it seems EVERYONE has a corporate dream, or Hollywood dream, or just any old business dream, people look at anyone who wants to stay home like "what's wrong with you?" I get that, too.

But it's what I want. Stay home. Make a home. Be on committees, join book clubs. Learn new recipes. Figure out how to decorate. Work out. Learn to sew. Learn to Plan a wedding. Entertain. Support his career efforts. PTA, anyone? (Well, when we do have kids). Write a book, maybe?

I want to do all of these things, and more. So. At what point will my friends and family understand that?

Weekend Countdowns and silence

2011-11-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

On Fridays I just want to kick back, let the kids do lots of independent work and wait for 3:30. But nawl. These lil heathens wanna be rowdy and show their lil asses.

Well. I got somethin for that ass. And it's called bookwork. At this moment my room is silent, and they're all doing the dreaded "actividades" from the book. Everytime I look up I see kids glaring at me..... But. I. Give. No. Damns!! Next time learn to calm down. Not gon ruin the start of MY weekend, hell.

LOL.

Marriage Questions

2011-09-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

First off, I can't believe that I'm actually thinking about marriage. ME. The girl who has ALWAYS enjoyed my alone time more than the presence of anyone else. The girl who has ALWAYS felt "weird" or "strange" around other people who don't get it... who don't get me.

And here I am, really thinking about it.

Is six years to long to date someone without marrying them? I feel that it is... but I don't want to rush in to anything, either. If you've found that one person and everything is just right.... should you still wait a perfunctory time to marry?

Macho-ness will be the death of me.

2011-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things I've ever done is try to help someone who needed my help, but didn't want or like to admit they needed it. I wish certain men would stop being so damn macho and let me do what they can't. Shit.

One of the top ten of all time

2011-08-22T09:44:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had your back rubbed until you fell asleep? In my ever so humble opinion, there aren't too many things better than that.

LAWD.

Because Sometimes this is what people need to hear

2011-08-12T11:51:00.001-07:00

The Foreshadowing

2011-07-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Back in March, I wrote this in my private blog:

I rocked it, even though that last half hour is so painfully fucking boring smh. The only cool thing: that tall guy with the lb state stuff on that looked like a ball player. Yum. I kept turning my head to watch him. lmao.

I don't even remember writing that -- hell I don't even remember it happening! I was just scrolling through my "workout" label, and came across it. At the time I didn't think twice about that tall guy, he was just a cute dude at the gym - they're a dime a dozen. Now? He is who I spend most of my time with. Sheesh. Foreshadowing like a mutha! lol

Success

2011-07-12T20:29:00.001-07:00

Dropping a dress size from JUST upping the cardio is cause for celebration. Even if that means I'ma gain it all back during said celebration. lol

Independence Day

2011-07-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

An amazing feeling, no longer hiding my idiosyncrasies.

They always said someone would love me for who I am.
BULLSHIT, I thought, the love I knew loved me in spite of those same idiosyncrasies that made me, me.

I get it now.

He laughs when I sing and dance in the middle of conversations.
Grins when I dive on the bed, do handstands in my living room.
Gazes upon me fondly,
not in that "what the fuck is wrong with you" kinda way
You know, the kind that I'd grown so very used to.
The kind that said "I love your sex, so I'll put up with your strangeness. Now get naked."

I get it now.
There is no such thing as awkward when you're no longer afraid to be yourself.

Dear Mom

2011-07-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

It is not fair that you will be spending time out of town on a vacay this fourth of July weekend while I will be still home in the LBC. Ain't you 'posed to be old? *hmmph* How dare you not stay home and do old ppl things?!

-- Your salty daughter (that you didn't even INVITE on your trip),

Selah

LOL

Oh.

2011-06-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

Amber Rose hits the beach

Tragedies

2011-06-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

Moral of the story? Don't fall asleep while reheating food in the oven. Woke up to my house smelling like carbon and despair.

The upside? It forced me to cook, and I made a healthy dinner instead. Yay!

I hold with those who Favor Fire

2011-06-20T10:10:00.001-07:00

I did it. After a year of following ppl's timeline without actually having a twitter.... I made one! Ha. Don't have anyone to really talk to yet, so I'm just lonely as hell.... but that's aiight. I'ma get there. LOL

@iFavorFire -- name taken from my fave Frost poem. If you got one, talk to me. I talk back =)

Passion on Passion on Passion

2011-06-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Love tinged with Hate

Or... is it... Hate, tinged with Love.

I can not recall a time when the two were not intertwined. Passion on passion on passion - dark, raw, anger, lust, love, desire, pain. Synonyms in my world.

He said, "we want what we want"... But at what point do I stop wanting that which brings me life just long enough to kill me again?

Treyshon and nem

2011-06-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yea... I laughed. lol Found here

The Struggle is real, y'all

2011-05-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

Hell. I'd take emotionally stable over anything. I'd be ugly and dumb if only I wasn't such a damn emotional wreck. lol.

Even though, to be fair... I've gotten better. Definitely better than I was before. Oh, and Happy Birthday to me =)

Except, I'd replace "live" with "love"

2011-05-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well... it's not like I have anything else to do.

2011-05-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

The students are taking the CSTs today (standardized testing for those of you unfamiliar), so Ms. Selah has nothing to do but walk around every now and then and make sure they aren't cheating. Which means she'll also be completing her online traffic school today.
#swag.

Side eye'in the HELL outta my mom

2011-05-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

My mom, bless her heart, has got to stop with the madness.

I went home to steal some milk from her (why go to Vons when she's right down the street) and I decided to use the restroom while there. Uhm. Why she got the .5 ply toilet paper doe????

o_O

I mean, I get that no one ever really uses that bathroom... but damn Ma. You gotta do better. Gon' and spend that extra $5 for the good stuff. lol

All I can do to keep from crying

2011-05-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooooooo my job has blocked EVERYTHING on the internet. EVERY.SINGLE.THING.

The only reason I'm on blogger is because for THIS week only we've been given the "override" password. Starting next Monday though, they're changing it and I won't be able to do anything. No gmail. No Twitter. No Tumblr. No Blogger. Anything labeled "blogs and personal" sites.. done. Any "lifestyle" stuff (think: food, hair, etc). DONE. Anything labeled as "forums" ......... done.

Seriously, that's where all my "break" time went towards. Lunch? Hopped on blogger. Nutrition? Hopped on Fitday.com to look up new health/cooking healthy tips. I personally don't think it's fair to restrict what we do on our DOWN time. dhjsfgklhdfaghjfdgjdsfg.

This.Is.That.BULL!!!

Monkey See, Monkey Do

2011-05-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Soooo I have a bad habit of saying "your mom" to my students... and you know how kids copy adults right? *sigh* Peep this convo:

Him: Miss, why do you use Firefox? It goes slow!
Me (in a low mutter): Your mama goes slow
Him: Your mama goes more slower than my mama.

*face palm*

Dude.... One of these days these kids are going to tell their parents all the things Miss H says... and I'm gon have some real splainin' to do. lol.

Skirt around my waist, wall against my face.

2011-05-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

Anytime, Anyplace by Janet Jackson........... has me at work with my mind NOT on these children. Dnjwklgjksfgjkgkdfhjsgk.

One night nothings

2011-05-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Always weird seeing someone you once woke up next to playing in the NBA semifinals.

I mean, it's not as if it was romantic or anything -- it was just 3am and he wouldn't let me walk back to my apartment that late. I fell asleep to him rubbing my back and saying, "See... I told you I wasn't gonna try and get the buns." YES. "buns" ... that was his euphemism for sex, apparently. Lmao. Gotta give it to him, he was definitely a gentleman. *shrugs*

That was the last time we hung out, for various reasons (the main one being I got a boyfriend), but we always said hey every time we passed each other on campus. Now, almost 4 years later, it's just weird. I kinda chuckle when I see him on my TV, playing alongside the MVP of the damn NBA. Like, too bad I wasn't a gold-digging groupie cuz I mighta been livin it up in Chicago by now. LMAO.

Late Nights, Early Mornings

2011-05-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

He came over late. He was half drunk, just as I was half sleep.

He was hurting.

I sat on the couch and pulled him towards me, laid his head on my lap and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Trailed my fingers down his skin. No words needed.

I woke up abruptly, hadn't realized we'd fallen asleep in that position. My hands started shaking at the fact that my heart was beating wildly. His turn to calm me. No words necessary, a well-placed hand on my face. Lips on my throat.

His goodbye came before I was ready, but I could not let on. Would not.

Would not... run to the window to watch him walk to the car.
Would not... text him, confessing how much I want him to stay. Share my bed. Because I do. But I can't. Or maybe it's that I shouldn't. So I didn't.

Awake at dawn, wondering if that really happened. Intimacy without intimacy, a night filled with dreams and, dare I say it.. longing.

Nights to remember from 2011? Check.

One of those mysteries of life

2011-05-02T07:43:00.001-07:00

How did the remote end up between the boxspring and the mattress on my bed????

I can see on the floor. I can see under the bed. Even mixed up in the sheets. But between the bed though?????

Things I Hate

2011-04-29T08:09:00.001-07:00

When I first start talking to a dude, and the very next morning he hits me with a "I miss you" text... wtf? Uhmmm you don't know me, sooooo NO, you don't miss me. Gawn up outta here with that bullshat. lol

End Rant.

I've seen too many movies, part 1

2011-04-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have this weird thing about coming home at night to my apartment. I LOVE coming home to the dark silence (the decision to live alone is one of the best decisions I've ever made), but it's also kinda freaky. I always hesitate before turning the light on because I'm a tad bit afraid that someone will be sitting there on my couch, waiting for me.

:/

Symbolic.

2011-04-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

So it's not the best picture ever, but this is a pic of the first piece of art to go into my apartment. It is the Egyptian Tree of Life, on papyrus paper. The gold flecks in it are amazing to look at in the light. Straight from Egypt (at least, that's what he said. lol). And I don't know if you can see the characters underneath, but they spell out "Selah" in arabic.

Yea.

OOOh! Bonus: I put up the frame myself! Hammers, nails and all. =)

OOOh! Bonus Part 2: this is some info I found about the Tree of Life on Lost Civilizations. Mine looks like this, but diff colors and with gold flecks/etc in it.

On the Tree Of Life, the birds represent the various stages of human life. Starting in the lower right-hand corner and proceeding counter-clockwise:
*The light gray bird symbolizes infancy
* The red bird symbolizes childhood
* The green bird symbolizes youth.
* The blue bird symbolizes adulthood
* The orange bird symbolizes old age.

In ancient Egypt, the direction east was considered the direction of life, because the sun rose in the east. On the tree of life, note that the birds representing the first four phases of life all face to the east, but the bird representing old ages faces to the west, anticipating the approach of death.

THIS!!!

2011-04-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

Ain't no love lost, but wasn't no love shown
So now when niggas call I just don’t pick up the phone

--Wiz

But would changing my number be going too far? I wonder about this every other day. Unfortunately, I've got the German's number memorized soooooo getting a new phone would surely end in us talking anyway. lmao.

Most people I can forget so easily. There's always that split-second "who the fuck...?" when that "Hey Stranger" pops up in my inbox, before I go "ohhhh. yea. him." But then, there are two people that I can't seem to forget no matter how hard I try. And I may or may not have left one of them a voicemail last night. Maybe. lol.

Operation "Avoid the hell out of the lunch ladies"

2011-04-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, I have a problem.

At the high school where I teach I'm one of the favorites among the parents who prepare the kids' snacks and lunches. It's probably because I speak Spanish, so we can converse in their native language, but it's also probably due to my sweet, self-effacing nature. Right.

Anyway, for the past couple of weeks they have taken to giving me food daily. At first it started out with fruits. Then it moved to fruits AND meals. Now, I am very grateful for their decision to take me under their wing and be sure that I am eating daily mainly because I never remember to bring food. f it were up to me I'd starve until I got home at 4:00. However... It's gone entirely too far. I'm supposed to be living and eating healthy, and these broads are giving me peaches, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chips, cereal and chocolate bars all in one day.

Goodbye to the 15 pounds I'd love to lose. LOL. Really, I feel like it's been counteracting the work I've been putting in at the gym. Soooo Operation "Avoid the hell out of the lunch ladies" is now underway. I GOT this. lol

It's the Little Things

2011-04-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Getting a 23 out of 24 on my group project/presentation brings me more joy than a night out with the girls does.

Unfortunately that 1 point we didn't get also brings me down, moreso than any argument I may have had with any one male this past weekend. The instructor said we lacked sufficient visuals. However, seeing as how the students in my class are all grown, why must we add a billion .gifs and .jpgs? :(

Either way. That's an A+. Word to your mother! lol

A Young Selah

2011-04-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, I was looking through old pics because I needed to bring them in to show one of the classes I teach, and I fell in love with the 90s and my life back then. Soooo, why not share with the world. lol.

This was probably the girliest I've ever been. Like, to this day... still never been that girly. Oh well. Not sure how I'm feeling bout that lack of teeth, either. But whatever. Still cute. LOLOLOL

Love Me Now, When I'm Gone Love me None

2011-04-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

Frank Ocean? He's THAT dude. I've had this song, Novacane, and Dust on repeat for days now. Love? I'm in it.

The boarded up window panes mean something to someone

2011-04-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

They closed down one of my favorite boutiques. It was a novelty home store- you know the type; everything from vases to salad bowls to beds and jewelry. I loved that place.

I used to walk around in it, trailing my fingers over overpriced nightstands and wine openers. I would stop and smell every candle, deciding in my head if I would buy it for my house. For our house. For when we'd have a family. I would wonder if he'd think the $45 bamboo bread box would be too extravagant. If any of the glass trinkets that my mother calls "dust collectors" would become casualties of our fits of heightened passion. Or maybe just my clumsiness.

I never bought anything. We never became a family.

Now I'm stuck wondering if one maybe had something to do with other.

WINNING!

2011-03-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

**just to note: I've been saying "winning" since wayyy before Mr. Sheen played it the hell out. so there."

Anyways. Last week there was a tragic turn of events at my place of work: they blocked Facebook!!!! I was devastated. What was I supposed to do while the students did independent work? Or on my prep period? I had already gone through a bout of withdrawal when they blocked Tumblr AND Twitter early into the school year. I just wasn't sure what I was going to do this time. My future was looking bleak... Until today!

Not even 30 minutes ago, I gave it that one last "college" try, to login to FaceBook... and it worked! And on a whim I tried Twitter... worked! And as a last resort I tried Tumblr... AND IT WORKED!!!!!!!

I don't think you understand the depth of my joy at the moment. I mean.... while I'm teaching I don't need the internet. But these 30minutes lunches/nutritions? While I sit and watch the kids in detention? While they are taking an exam? During our ~~meaningless~~ professional development meetings? I'm ON IT. lmao!!!

Sit back and take notes.

2011-03-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

I've been really tired lately. Yesterday I fell asleep in class (mind you, I sit in the front)... but here's the best part: The professor never knew! I'd forgotten that back in high school I mastered the art of falling asleep pen upright in hand, making it look like I'm taking notes. Ha!

Selah: 1. School: 0.

I do need more sleep in my life, though. Preferably at home. In my bed. lol.

Random Thought of the Morning

2011-03-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

"I definitely can not die today, my apartment is too much of a mess. My mom would have to clean that up, and who wants the last thought of their daughter to be: 'dang she was a slob!'"

Now, today is my long day - I won't be home til around 10pm, thanks to grad school classes, but the first order of business when I do finally arrive? Wash dishes. Put away clean clothes. Clean off dining room table.

Not going to lie though... I might get home and crash. If that's the case, I'm sure I'll be hoping I don't die on Tuesday either. lol.

Something about me I've recently discovered

2011-03-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

The only time I really crave ice cream is when it's raining.

Weird, right? I mean... I'll eat it at other times, and have definitely done the late night ice cream run, but truthfully, the only time I ever really want it is when it's wet and freezing. *shrugs*

My mom wasn't necessarily militant, but

2011-03-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

... I was raised with the knowledge that Black is beautiful and that being Black is synonymous with being American. I was taught this with such ferocity and finality that there is nothing no one could have ever said to change my mind.

What does this mean to me? Well, it means NO... when I hear the word "American" I do NOT think "White, christian and middle class." See, to me, there is a difference between "American" and the "dominant hegemonic group" in America. And it boiled my blood tonight to hear that being spouted in my theory class.

Clearly I was raised different.

Hey other graduate students in my class: Fug you and the fact that you think that I'm not really American enough.

Just like they said it would

2011-03-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

The rain is falling, the skies are gray and the cold is seeping in my apartment, but I'm bundled up in these blankets with hot chocolate and someone that sets my soul alight. Not to be cryptic, but I marvel at the way life turns out, I really do.

For the first time in eleven months I went to salsa on Friday night, and I couldn't believe I'd ever stopped. I've def got to incorporate a few nights of dancing a month into my schedule... that feeling it gives me is comparable to that feeling of flying. The rush. The high. As if I'll never come back down.

My life is returning.

And my pride took a blow

2011-03-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Him: Are you a teacher today?
Me: As opposed to... ?
Him: .... work....,. Do you work today lol
Me: Yea. No holidays for a while.
Him: O ok
Me: Why you ask?
Him: Wanted to know if you wanted to go to the market since u never be havin shit in that fridge
Me: **insert shocked face**

HAHHHAHAHAH. I was quite indignant after that -- I keep enough to keep myself fed, dangit. Just cuz I don't stock up on Costco size portions to feed the entire family doesn't mean I don't have what I need. I mean, it's just ME in my humble abode. Hmmph!!

I Want to Wish you Well

2011-03-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard you call me sister
I haven't heard it said in years
But it's a funny thing now it's the only thing I want to hear
For I don't know you anymore

I haven't spoken to or seen my younger brother since Thanksgiving. We are not on good terms, and honestly, I can only think of a few pockets of time in our 20 odd years together that we have been on good terms. I know I shoulder some of the blame for that.

I understand that you are angry
Well, maybe I am angry too
Cause I still love you brother
But I don't know what to make of you
When I don't know you anymore

The fact of the matter is, I miss him. I was scrolling through YouTube and I heard this "Wish You Well" song by A Fine Frenzy, and it made me sad.. I miss my brother. I love my brother. I wish I knew what to do to make our relationship not suck. By the way, this is the second time one of her songs related to my life and I wrote a post about it. Strange. lol. Enjoy!

Message Received:

2011-03-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

"I'm missing you do you miss me, too?"

Uhm.

What's the nicest way to say, "Hell no, I haven't even thought about you in the past three days since I've seen you and as soon as I get out of this conversation (hopefully as quickly and as painlessly as possible) it'll be another long time before you cross my mind"?

Because right now I'm on the verge of sending that ^^^ verbatim. One second away from the "send" button. smh and lol

Things that make me smile

2011-03-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Playing Frisbee with some random woman's cd in the parking lot with a tall, dark stranger at 11:00 pm on a Tuesday.

I feel like I've missed out on so many things like this for the past 2.5 years... allowing myself to do random things with random (extremely handsome) people without a care in the world and creating memories that I'll remember long after those (extremely handsome) people are no longer apart of my world.

I guess this post is about 3 things:
1. being mad at myself for stunting my personal growth for the past 2.5 years
2. enjoying the present
3. That exciting "new" feeling I have for this tall, dark and handsome person.

=)

Note to the Inventor of the Brazilian Wax

2011-03-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

Remember that scene from Miss Congeniality when she got a Brazilian wax and she screamed like a maniac? No? Well, neither had I... until I got one, too. And my yell rivaled hers. SMH and LOL

Dear Selah

2011-03-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

Please find a way to go back to the gym please. PLEASE?! Okthxbi.

-Selah

Ignore Game PROPER

2011-02-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

This morning he sent: "Woke up thinking about you. :/ Terrible."

I just didn't write back. I mean... what am I supposed to say to that? I think the younger me would have taken the bait, and allowed a convo [[that would change nothing, essentially]] take place. The older me just shook my head and put the phone down. Next time I pick it up I'll be sure to delete it, so as not to spend hours later thinking about it or analyzing it.

Fk you and your "semi-sad" smiley face. lol.

You, Me, and Goldilocks makes three

2011-02-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

So I was at a party, right? In a house I'd never been. In a city I'd never visited. And I was really, really sleepy. So I proceeded to excuse myself, go upstairs, lay down on the first bed I see, and sleep for about an hour (until someone came and found me).

Maybe I should have drank less White Zinfandel, huh? Ah well. lol.

Question

2011-02-15T13:18:00.001-08:00

You ever had a really explicit dream about someone you shouldn't have been dreaming about doing that with in the first place, and ever since that dream you look at them differently? No? Oh. Me neither.

Careful what you wish for

2011-02-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

Remember when I talked about crushing on my coach from Middle school? Well... it's funny. Because about 1.5 weeks later (day of the Superbowl), a basketball coach from my HIGH school that I worked for for 3 years during high school def came on to me.

Yea. The now 36 year old bachelor, that I used to work for, was putting the moves on me. As much as I like old men, as much as I thought it was a fun game to play in the moment... afterwards I just walked away thinking... that was lowkey creepy. I mean... I used to call him by his last name for christ's sake. He saw me grow from an awkward 15 year old to an awkward high school graduate to an only semi-awkward college graduate. Now all of a sudden I'm fair game?

What's even creepier? Last night my bbm status said "Redbox night!" and his bbm was: "bring ur redbox to the house"

*gulp*

He didn't want to watch a movie from Redbox... he wanted to be in some box! lol... but UGH. I left that bbm "D" for delivered and never let it get to "R" for received lol. I used to think he was so cool and DEF thought he was attractive. But... Not so much anymore. I'm not sure why, really. I mean... I've been out of high school for 5 years now. It's legal. Just....... creepy. lol

Things that freak me out

2011-02-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

When I'm riding in the cab part of the tow truck and the driver proceeds to tell me he served 14 years for murder and his son is currently serving 12 years for the same thing.

What in the ENTIRE hell!!!!! I was silent the rest of the ride. LMAO.

CRYIINNNGGGG!

2011-02-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

I'm literally in tears after seeing this. lol.

Because I read this and my heart dropped into my stomach

2011-01-31T19:55:00.000-08:00

She needs a new journal. The one she has is problematic. To get to the present, she needs to page through the past, and when she does, she remembers things, and her new journal entries become, for the most part, reactions to the days she regrets, wants to correct, rewrite.

-- Dave Eggers, How the Water Feels to the Fishes

I have yet to perfect the healing process. Actually, that's an understatement. I SUCK at healing, am piss poor when it comes to letting go. I still struggle to keep my head above water sometimes, still get lost in memories, and lose battles to the negative feelings associated with past events and people.

However.

Sometimes I amaze myself. Sometimes I see glimpses of a more mature Selah. Of a Selah that makes decisions that only serve to better her life. Of a Selah that no longer wonders "what if?" and only wonders about "what now?". And I.LOVE.IT!

I don't want to regret, rewrite or correct. I just want a new journal. =)

My daddy complex aka I fall for men twice my age all the time

2011-01-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

Technically this one isn't new -I've been infatuated with him since I was about 11 or so. Probably more. But the whole "oh my god it's him" feelings didn't start until about halfway through college. Now, every time I see him I get all red and excited.. tisk tisk. So today he called me (I needed his help) and although all he did was help me.... I giggled like a school girl the whole time. He probably thinks I'm ditzy. lol.

At one point in the conversation I said I was old, and he was like what are you? 26? I said, no, 22... and he guffawed. Talking bout, "Selah I have 22 years on you. You're a baby" Which makes him exactly twice my age. smh!!!

Oh, and it broke my little heart, the way he said "You're a baby." Guess he doesn't think of me the same way. :(

Even though I guess it would be a tad bit creepy if he did, because he WAS my middle school basketball coach. LMFAO.

You're My Freedom, You're My Jail

2011-01-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

Yes.

My friends take bottles of ketchup from bars for me

2011-01-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

Reason #45 why my friends are cooler than yours: I wake up to foolish things like sports bar ketchup bottles on my table. SMH and LOL

The highlights of my week

2011-01-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

Going to Big Lots and buying this:

THAT, ladies and gentlemen, has been the highlight of my week. I walked out of The Green Hornet because:

1. the movie was wack, and

2. I couldn't stop thinking about the rice cooker/steamer I was about to buy. LOL

Highlight of next week? My hair steamer that I bought online should be coming. The UPS tracking system says it will arrive on Monday the 24th. Yaayyyyyyy!!!!

On one hand, I'm pretty positive that the fact that the highlights of my week are made up of the acquisition of household items is pretty damn pathetic. On the other hand... well. At least the household items I've acquired recently haven't included knitting materials or a rocking chair. LOL.

In 140 characters or less

2011-01-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

People who keep their bread in the refrigerator piss me off.... **goes back to eating this cold ass sandwich** ... smh!!!!

I hold with those who favor fire

2011-01-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

--Robert Frost

I've loved this poem for years. For the longest I toyed with the idea of getting "favor fire" tattooed on my body... but I decided against putting words on myself. Instead I let the words scroll across my screen as the screen savor for years, me alone understanding how much those nine letters meant to me; how they fit so well into my life.

Until last night.

I was on the phone with the German, and while I was in the midst of an impassioned speech about love and sex and trust and pain and exes and desire, he said "Favor fire... You favor fire" ....

I sat in silence while he recited the whole poem to me, and said, "that reminds me of you. It's how I feel, too. We both favor fire." Mind you, I've never talked about my affinity for Frost's words with him before. Imagine. This 6'1" 225lb ex football player who laughs at me for spending days at the library, reciting the poem that has meant the most to me since I was probably 5. A little bit of the wall I've been building for years came down. And it's true... whenever my life feels like it's ending, it's always because of some desire.

This connection we have is no joke. Where other men see my passion and tendency toward flagrant emotions as a downfall he takes it as an attribute. They turn away in disgust, spouting quotes about logic, but he embraces it. Sees it as something to be controlled, surely, but never to be sneered at or looked down upon.

And I love him for that. And knowing me, I doubt I'll ever stop loving him. Because well... for lack of of better terms.... I favor fire.

Me and Baltazar... just a bunch of weirdos. lol.

2011-01-12T09:16:00.000-08:00

This is me and Baltazar. We are some weirdos.

So I'm sitting here with one of my weirdest students Baltazar, and we just came up with a workout plan for me. I'm the kind of person that needs to have some kind of goal set in order for me to even get started doing anything ((not saying I always finish, but I won't even START without a plan lol))... so this is what we came up with:

I have to work out 60% of the days of the upcoming months. Once summer hits that might rise, but we only planned til June. So basically that means

January: 19 days
February: 17 days
March: 19 days
April: 18 days
May: 19 days
June: 18 days

How strange is this that we really sat here and planned all this out? LMFAO. See. This is how you know I'ma be a fkn cat lady. I sit with the autistic OCD child of the school and plan out exactly when I'm going to the gym. LOL.

Oh, and Tiff!! You MUST make me do a "6 months later" post to see if I actually stuck to this schedule. Even if I didn't. #thatisall ... lol

Mr. #MightDon'tMakeIt - BWAHAHAHA

2011-01-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

This is an excerpt from the amazing Champ's post on Very Smart Brothas, (which is actually an excerpt written by another exceptional blogger Luvvie) that had me DYIINNNNGGGG. I don't wanna copy and paste her whole post, but just so y'all get the hint on WHY I was laughing.... Remember that sad ass post I wrote about that guy not acknowledging me the other day? Welllllllll this here? It fits him to a TEE. SMH.

"Sex and the City is liable for something that’s leaving women all high and dry. I call it the Mr. Big Syndrome, and I think way more women have it than you think. And it’s actively destroyed some folks’ frame of reference of what healthy dating habits should look like.

For the fellas reading this (and the ladies who’ve never watched SATC), let me catch you up to what Mr. Big represents. Throughout the series, Carrie dates a rich, charismatic guy named Mr. Big on and off. They made up and broke up many times. She dated countless dudes in between but always came back to Mr. Big. Add two dollops of commitment phobia on both sides, add a marriage to someone else by Mr. Big, and one cheating episode involving Carrie, and you get the cliff notes version of their dysfunction. But they had a happy ending. Eventually, Mr. Big married Carrie. After leaving her at the altar one time. Yes.

Women seem to have grasped firmly on to the part where Big FINALLY marries Carrie, and they think their Mr. Big will eventually marry them. And this is how people end up as lonely cat women with memories of what could have been. Allow me to explain.

Most women have had a Mr. Big in their dating history. He’s the guy who is segzy, financially stable and has this je ne sais quoi that makes him irresistible. Plus, you feel like intellectually, he is on your level. He also does the southside slippery slide like he’s memorized the entire kama sutra, so he leaves your knees week (and your spot wet). He is just… EVERYTHING. Except… reliable or committed to you. He’s the dude that flies you to Paris and leaves the room in the middle of the night on some “we can’t wake up together. You’d think we were… together.”

And somehow, four years into when you first met, you still can’t pack an overnight bag to his place because it makes him nervous. Yes. Remember him? Most of us have had something similar. All they do is keep you interested enough to where you’re hung up. But they don’t commit.

..... Sure, Big married Carrie. But did he not leave her at the altar first? Oh. Right…after she chased him, jumped through hoops and repeatedly got her heart broken by him. He finally committed. . Whoopty doo dah!!!

Yes ladies, Carrie ended up with Mr. Big, but in REAL life… #MightDontMakeIt. Mr. Big is the ultimate is “Bad Boy that women chase” and it’s a bad look for Carrie, because I kind of feel like Big married her because he got tired of running. And that’s a shame."

Oh, I'm definitely renaming G on here to Mr. MightDon'tMakeIt ... YESSSSSSSSS. This explains him SOO well. Well... except that now there is no probability, we didn't make it. But still. I just happen to find it quite funny.

I've Got Dreams to Remember

2011-01-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

I used to have crazy nightmares. I mean.... wake up crying, scared to death, scared to go back to sleep type nightmares. I would text people to have them talk to me and calm me down, but what I quickly found was that no one gave a shit about me and my nightmares. (smh)

So when I started my personal blog (damn it's been over 2 years!) instead of texting people I would just go online and write the nightmares in my blog. That way I wouldn't have to go to sleep right away, and it was a method of "facing" whatever it was that was scaring me. Seeing it written on the screen sort of made it less scary.

I think it's time I start facing what scares me in real life, too. Maybe it will make those things less scary. And lord knows I could use "less scary".

Maybe it's just me

2011-01-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

But if you sleep with someone on a basically regular basis .... is it too much to acknowledge them in a bar? To say hi?

I know I shouldn't feel like nothing. But that's exactly how I felt. He didn't even think I was worth a hello in public.

I called him an asshole, but then... nothing. You ever been so hurt you couldn't come up with anything to say? That was me. I just stood there, head cocked to the side, words just outside of my reach. He even asked me "so you're just not gonna say anything!?"

When he turned on his heel to walk away, it hit me. He didn't give 3 damns about me, or my feelings or why the fact that to me, saying hi was important. Even still, I didn't want him to walk away. The madly-in-love girl I've been for years didn't want him to go. So I did the only thing that I could... I yelled his name. He threw his hands up - yet another dismissive gesture - and walked faster.

Things have been worse between us, but this time was different. I just kept looking at him... seeing him, for the first time in a while. Hearing him tell me "this is the shit I'm talking about" ....... but WHAT shit? I wasn't doing anything, except staring at him. Seeing him.

And the whole time a voice in my head kept repeating what every one has been telling me for years:

"He doesn't even like you anymore. Forget 'love you'... He doesn't even like you."

Reason why #23 why my students are better than yours

2011-01-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

They randomly bring me succulent homemade tamales that their grandparents spent hours making.

I almost shed a tear of joy when I saw them lol

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure.

"It's lonely out here" and other lines that don't work on me

2011-01-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

I let my ex boyfriend sleep on my couch on New Years Eve, after we both were done doing our little partying. I hung out with him in the living room for a while watching this killer crazy movie.... til I got so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I got him a cover, then headed to my room..... 3 minutes later I got a text, that started this convo:

Him: You still drunk?

Me: No, just really sleepy. Damn wine.

Him: Can I come in there with u? It's lonely out here

Me: Go to sleep Alfie. You're a big boy. You'll be aiight.

Him: I'll make it worth it.

Me: (in my head) -

Then, after no response from he sent this:

Him: ?

Then, after another no response:

Him:You got a pillow?

LMFAO. The only reason I didn't kick his ass in the morning for coming at me with that ridiculousness is the fact that he cooked me breakfast in the morning.... Grits, eggs and bacon after a night of drinking is HEAVENLY. But still. lol.

GAW DAMN

2010-12-27T09:38:00.000-08:00

One of my friends bought me this:

for Christmas.

When he came through with the Brookstone's "Connoisseur's Countertop Wine Opener" I was all happy and impressed because just 3 days earlier he had sat and laughed AT me when I broke my old opener. I'd gotten him this VICIOUS genuine leather wallet for xmas so I thought "cool.... we got good gifts"..... Then I went online to get the pic for my personal blog (i document my whole life on there lol)... and found out this ish cost $80 GAW DAMN DOLLARS!!!!!!!

The. HELL.

I mean.... I know it's nice. BUT IT'S A WINE OPENER. And the thing is, we call this friend of mine "The Miser" cuz he wouldn't even buy his mom a drink at the bar. lol. But man.................. he really bought me something nice.

The whole world says he is in love with me. I'm starting to believe it. Not only was this a thoughtful gift from a man (like I said, I JUST broke mine), but it was lowkey expensive for people our age. (Not saying we're broke but none of us is making 100k+) .... I'm pretty sure he bought our other friend a shirt. lol. Dude.

**wishes I hadn't bought that $40 leather wallet on sale** LOL

Self Destruction. I get better at it every year.

2010-12-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

Reckless. Real reckless. That's how I'm living right now.

You ever do something you KNOW you should be ashamed about? You KNOW you should regret?

I have.

And I have no outlet. I can't even tell my best friends about this -- I'm too afraid of their reactions. So I'm going to keep it in >>here<< until I forget about it. Or, at least until I can think about it without cringing.

I need to go sit down in a corner somewhere until I get my mind right.... Because Lord knows I can't afford for this behavior to get out. Or worse, resurface.

Heartbreaks mean nothing in High School but they hurt so bad

2010-12-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

(names changed to protect the innocent)

Selah My favorite student is heartbroken right now... He's got the saddest of sad faces, head down texting in class.. probably in a pointless argument with some pointless girl. Good thing she's not in my class because I'd probably fail her. -_____-
3 hours ago · · Comment · Hide Feedback (15)

A.F. likes this.

S. Tisk Tisk. Get off facebook & back to work!! (Shakes index finger) lmao @ u failing the girl he might be texting...
2 hours ago via Facebook Mobile ·

Selah
Hey hey hey. They're working independently on projects, so I'm good. LOL .... and yea man. He's so dejected right now :( ...

I wanna tell him to just forget the broad but that won't work. If I'm right about who it is.... I have her next period. She better hope I forget by then. LMAO

2 hours ago · · 1 person

"Miss, Your Hair Looks Like my Dog's"

2010-12-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

"Miss, your hair looks like my dog's"

--Luis, my EX favorite student

Compared to a poodle? Cold. Game. Hell, I thought I was kinda cute. LMFAO.

And like a car that I can't afford...

2010-12-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

"I would want it then want some more..... "

--Common

Smh at this being the song that explains my life.

Dear Selah

2010-12-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Get your life together.

In other words:

erase some numbers. 10, to be exact. Matter of fact, just get rid of all 310 numbers. smh.
move to a new place. Like, yesterday.
Don't wait to the last minute to do gradwork, and definitely stop calling in sick to write papers that should have been started in October.
Go back to the freaking gym
Don't feel bad because you want to be alone 99.1% of the time. Fuck it. Not everybody was meant to be married with children and have 12,000 friends.
At the same time, remind your few chosen friends you appreciate them. Only those select few have the strength to put up with you and your narcissistic shit. Thank them profusely.

and lastly,
7. Stop feeling guilty about wanting to sleep with him. It's not like you sleep with anybody else. (smmfh), so the wanting part is natural. Just don't actually go through with it.

Thank you, good night and good luck.

Reason #7: why dating an older guy can be dumb

2010-12-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

This guy thinks that because I'm from California (he's not) and because I'm 22 (he's 31) that he should talk like this for me to relate. (this is our real convo, too. I asked who it was because I'd deleted the number a while ago, and I only vaguely recognized the out-of-state area code)

Him: Hey!

Me: Starks?

Him: Yea.. but don't get too hyphie though.

Me: What in the hell are you talking about ??????? (insert the "this nucca here" face)

Ladies and Gentlemen, when you're trying to impress someone... just be yourself.

We Erase One Another

2010-11-27T16:01:00.000-08:00

"We survive by remembering, but sometimes we survive by forgetting. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to forget"

-- the Uninvited.

And I'm always looking for ways to survive...

Facebook: exposing the ratchets one at a time

2010-11-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

While on the friend of a friend's page on facebook I saw this post and smh furiously. Just read. Sorry if it gives you a headache. smh:

"Well im throwin a big event on new years eve its gonna be poppin its goin 2 be at the bolsa chica beach in orange county no youngens grown n sexy only no ratchets no drama its on the last day of 2010 and im makin it poppin 4 a lot of us that r older on our shit not clubbin as much no more so this is an event 2 get together get wasted there's gonna be $5 drank weed and $5 food fire pits for the cold and of course music sexy ladies n men"

Honestly, if you don't see anything wrong with this facebook post... from content, to grammar.... then unfollow me and never come back to my blog lmao.... cuz the "ratchetness" in this is at an all time high. I mean, it was literally one big run-on sentence. No kind of punctuation marks. Does she not believe in commas? Periods? Apostrophes?

My favorite part?? This: "tired of the club so we got the $5 weed and 'drank' ..... at the beach"??

my face:

Note to the German

2010-11-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

Next time you decide to get SUPER SUPER drunk and want to come to my house, try not to show up in Snowboarding boots, goggles, mittens and boxers. Looking like a damn Snowboarding Chippendale's dancer. LOL

ESPECIALLY if all you're going to do is wake up the next morning (after passing out) and ask me with a mad confused look on your face: "why am I only wearing boxers????"

LMAO!

Relief

2010-10-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

I legit have no one to text in the middle of drunken nights... and you can't imagine the sense of relief that I feel.

Yea. Relief.

It's like I'm living inside of a bubble. I read, I eat, I sleep. I go to the movies. I take the occasional walk, and just enjoy the day. I work. Two months ago I spent a day completely isolated from the world: movies, Barnes & Noble, In N' Out, the library and the beach. Just me. On days like that one life feels perfect. Like maybe I could do it everyday for the rest of my life. Move to Costa Rica, teach English in some immersion school, and buy a place off the beach. Maybe write a book.

But then I've got the whole world telling me that wanting that solitude is so very, very wrong. I hear it from every one, all the time. So much so that sometimes I begin to agree... and then I get lonely. Even worse, I panic, because at the rate that I'm going I know that I will never be married, never have kids. I'll live the rest of my life on the outside of the world that everyone else lives in, looking in and wondering where it all went wrong... feeling ashamed that I could never get with the program, feeling guilty about the joy I feel when I'm alone.

I mean... after I leave friends or coworkers, or when the students leave my class to go to lunch and the door shuts I feel... whole again. As if I'd been holding my breath while I was with them, and only then can I let it out, and be me again.

I used to think that being with G made me feel like me. I felt like he was the only person I felt comfortable with. I would tell him, my friends, my mom, and anyone who would listen, that he made me feel whole. I think now that what he made me feel was more linked to the physical. Because really... I never felt whole with him - I was always too awkward.

I was never cool enough. Not funny enough. I liked different things then he did, had different ideas than he did... and he was quick to point them out. In our first real conversation he was shocked to find that I would spend "such a beautiful day" inside reading a book. (This was July 21, 2007... the day the final Harry Potter book was released ... which was more important to me, than any beautiful day.) Hell, the fact that I remember that date AND know it was a Saturday, should tell you something. And this isn't to say that he was against reading, because he wasn't... but nothing I ever did was normal in his eyes.

He always called me a "stranger... because you're so strange!" I knew it was a joke, because, of course, someone being a stranger has nothing to do with whether they are strange. Rather, it means that you don't know them. And that's just it. He didn't know me. Not the real me, anyway.

Now that he has moved on I don't worry about being strange. I can just be me. I don't try to be perfect, I don't hide my flaws. Actually, I've started to confront them... to work on them. Which brings me back to my first sentence: I legit have NO one to text in the middle of the night, and I'm relieved.

I look in my future and I see me, a stack of books, and a fireplace. I see long walks and music. Libraries and salsa clubs. Runs on the beach, just like what I used to do in Spain. Hours spent cooking and dancing in a dimly-lit apartment. It feels funny saying "I see myself alone" because I know to the rest of the world that is one of the most horrible things ever.

But I do. Because "alone" has never meant the same thing to me as it has to the rest of the world. Alone means I can be who I am... strange, quiet, emotional, pensive, and socially awkward, without facing any consequences. --- No shame. No embarrassment. No disgust. No self-hatred. No apologies.

Just me. Relieved.

And I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart

2010-10-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

You ever just hear a song so tragic yet so succinct that you stop in your tracks? Oh, it's just me? ... well. whatever. lol

Even though it sucks to admit, I hurt someone. I keep feeling indignant that he won't just get the hell over it, but truth is... had he did it to me, I'd be over him. LOL. sooooo I guess it's about time I stop pretending I didn't break his heart.

Selah: 0
Love: 3

Things aren't looking good for my future as a woman-in-a-relationship. My batting average is pretty damn low. lmao. But anyways.... this song? Fire. Enjoy.

And leave this all to yesterday...

2010-10-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

My friend's sister died 1 year ago yesterday. She and I shared the same birthday, and he was always telling me how much I reminded him of her. Once, in 2007, he wanted me to come to her high school basketball game, but I couldn't make it. I regret that now. I had known him for 3 years but on October 8, 2009 when she was murdered, I'd still yet to meet her. I'll never get the chance.

When she died I was wracked with grief, not because I knew her, but because my friend was suffering more than he'd ever suffered. Because it's not right for parents to bury their 19 year old daughter.

Today I went to the 1 year anniversary memorial celebration. I say "celebration" because that's what the father wanted it to be called. A celebration of her life. A celebration of her leaving this earth to be in a better place. He said on earth she was in a cocoon, and the day she died she became a butterfly. Heaven-bound. They planted a butterfly tree in the front yard for her, and the family spoke, choking out words through tear-soaked voices.

I couldn't find the right words to say, and I ended up sitting behind a van in the street so no one would see me crying like a maniac. Afterward, I felt bad for not being able to keep it together... it wasn't my daughter I'd lost. She wasn't my sister. She wasn't even a good friend of mine. She was my friend's sister. How dare I cry? How dare I try to imagine the hurt that my friend's family is going through?

I wish I knew what to say today to a family drowning in grief. I wish the mom who lost her daughter didn't have to console me as I cried in her hallway over a girl I never got the privilege to meet.

I wish it didn't take tragedies like this for me to realize that ex boyfriends don't mean anything in the scheme of things. That rude teenagers, long days and 12 page papers that are due don't mean half as much as I make them out to be.

I wish there weren't tragedies like this at all.

This!!

2010-09-29T18:18:00.003-07:00

Every Little Step with Mike Tyson & Wayne Brady from Mike Tyson

Note to Self

2010-09-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

The next time you attend the first three weeks of grad school, it'd be smart to just go on and ahead and make sure you've been going to the RIGHT. CLASSES.

Yes. I have been showing up to the wrong class for 3 weeks now. Just. Fail. The funny thing is, this is SUPER indicative of how my past 4 weeks have been: super stressed, super frazzled and just barely keeping my head above water. Who knew this high school teaching thing would be so hard.

I've sent out 4 different emails to people in the grad school office pleading my case and begging them to help me, lol, and 3 out of 4 have written back. Hopefully I'll be able to just enroll in the class I've been attending and not have to start the other class 3 weeks behind.

Wish me luck y'all. It is DEFINITELY a good thing I decided to join #TeamSober for all of September. Cuz I'd be even more jacked up. lol

DAY 10: My confession

2010-09-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am fully aware that what should have taken me 10 days has taken me like 20 or so. LOL. But hey.... I'm finally at the 10th day/post of this journey!

The objective: One confession

I've never worked this hard in my life. Usually things come easy to me. But grad school + first year as a teacher + teaching 3 different levels of Spanish has proven very difficult for me... and I'm only in my 3rd week of school. My confession? I dream daily of moving to Costa Rica and staying there to work at the university. I know I'm supposed to be focused on teaching and my studies. I know I should be more dedicated to my kids, (I teach in a low-income community for an organization that specializes in placing teachers in low income communities) but.......... all i can think is in 2-3 years I will be able to blow this popsicle stand.

And I can't wait. Sorry to my kids. I love em..... but my wanderlust was not satiated while living in Spain. I gotta go elsewhere. And soon. Plus, if I leave the country I can leave behind all the ridiculous things in my life. Like the ex. And the guy I kinda sorta love.... with whom I completely messed things up with the other day.. SMH and LOL.

Day 9: Smileys!

2010-09-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

o_O <---- why? Because sometimes people say the dumbest ish to me. Or expect the dumbest ish from me. Or do the dumbest ish around me. And lord knows I'm just not amused by any of these people. So I gotta hit em with the side eye sometimes.

=) <----- Because in the midst of this thing I call my life I still have been able to find reasons to smile every now and then. Sometimes it feels like my smiles come few and far between, but the ones I do get are genuine.

Day 8

2010-09-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

It's Day 8... not too many more days left! My objective for the day would be: 3 Turn-ON's. Honestly I could go on forever, but I won't. You're welcome.

3. People that make me laugh

2. Broad Shoulders <--- I equate big shoulders with manliness. *shrugs*

1. Men that take control. (not over my life LOL, just... men who step in. Does that make sense? lol.)

Kisses: Just Thought You Should Know

2010-09-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

I always forgot how when I get nervous I talk 45 miles a minute, and can't look directly at the person who is making me nervous.

First kisses make my heart smile, then jump and run a marathon before I can even make it to the car to tell my best friend: OH MY GOD HE KISSED ME.

It seems like my life is full of first kisses, but it's more of "first kisses that never really pan out into anything therefore it's time to move on to the next first kiss" ... as opposed to "first kisses that turn into 'long term kisses' with that same person."

Well... that's not entirely true. I've been kissing the ex since 2007. Our latest? Last weekend. But its not the same. No butterflies, no nervousness. Just 3:30-in-the-morning kisses that led to us doing what we do best - and silence for the week after that. The fact that this no longer makes me sad (the silence part) lets me know.... our kissing is pointless.

But last night? I shared a first kiss, and there was this sense of urgency coming from this man that swept me up in this hurricane and dropped me off somewhere that definitely wasn't Kansas anymore. No toto. <<<---- see what I did there? LOL

But we didn't even exchange numbers. I mean... he has my Facebook and all... but that's not an acceptable way to contact someone on a regular basis. So I wonder... although I bemoan my lack of the "long term kisses" ... was last night just another example of me chasing the high of a fantastical first kiss again, knowing full well it was going nowhere.... knowing full well I'd have the chance to feel that first kiss high all over again next weekend?

okaayyyyyyy, Dr. Bloggers. Do your thing!! lol

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

2010-09-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

4 things that turn me off. To be real, I have a LONG list of turn offs. I guess I'm just picky. lol but I'll stick to the first four I can think of. Heeeeeeeeere we go!

4. Men with cornrows

3. Unfortunate looking teeth

2. people that smoke weed. <--- sorry. I judge. LOL.

1. and THIS.

Day 6

2010-09-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

Day 6.. you know you wanna read it. =)

Objective: 5 people who mean a lot (in no particular order)
So, let's go:

5. The mother. Of course.

4. D.Woods - Friends since the 4th grade, she knows me better than I know myself. And she doesn't judge me for it. lol

3. The Aunt - she believes in me, and has high expectations that I wish to live up to.

2. The German - I thought I'd never be able to care about anyone else after my breakup. 1.5 years later I realize I've loved the German (a little bit lol) this whole time. Now, it's too late for us to really be anything... we def aren't gonna walk off into the sunset... but he'll always mean a lot to me.

1. Whoever the hell invented Cookies and Cream Ice Cream. He (or she) deserves a kiss and a high five. For realsies.

Day 5, all up and through!

2010-08-31T21:16:00.000-07:00

Y'all know what it is.... Day 5.

Objective: 6 things I wish I'd never done.... not in any particular order.

6.) Trusted 3 of the girls I used to consider friends. #bittertweet .... LOL jk. But no, really. Some of my "Friends" were not my friends and gave no shits about me. It's nice now that I know who really does.

5.) Dated my this one dude back in 2005..... 2 years later I would meet and fall in love with his cousin. I didn't know they were fam til it was too late. #FAIL

4.) Quit playing basketball

3.) Left the light on in my car the other night. That way, my car would have actually started on my FIRST day of my career/first day of grad school. SMH. <------ and yesssss I panicked. Triple AAA wouldn't have got there on time to jump my battery so my mom let me use her car that day. lol

2.) kissed a girl and liked it... Just kidding. lol. That song just came on the radio and now it's stuck in my head.

1.) Let my friend borrow my copy of Eddie Murphy's Coming to America ... I knew I'd never get it back. SMH.

Day 4, all up in the mix!

2010-08-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Y'all know the deal. And these, btw, aren't in any particular order.

7. My ex -- no explanations needed.

6. My beliefs/morals - sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm too rigid in my ways of thinking. I'm usually quick to write someone off for having a different outlook on life. I must contiunously remind myself that different doesn't always mean wack. <---- even though, sometimes it can. #letsbehonest. lol

5. Funny memories. I'm the type that will break out into a cackle in a room full of quiet people just because I thought of something funny that happened 4 moons ago.

4. Sex <----- Don't judge me. LOL.

3. My future. I wonder who I'll be in 10 years. I wonder where I'll be. Will I finally be over #7???? <---- just kidding. sort of. It's pathetic and funny all at the same time lol

2. My grandma - she died when I was 14, and I regret everyday that I didn't do more with her while she was here

1. Song Lyrics - There is a lyric for every situation that has happened to me (and some for what can happen to me) lol... and they always pop into my head. I'm always singing lol.. music is such an integral part of my life.

Day #3 of the challenge

2010-08-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

So this is day 3 of the lil challenge thingee.

Today's objective: 8 ways to win my heart.Summary: the little things that I like

8. Remember that I don't drink ice cold water, and act accordingly

7. Have an accent. yes, I realize this isn't fair for all the people in my hometown, but I'm sorry. Accents are sexy. There was a dude from Jersey in the bar the other day and I was eyeing him all night. lol.

6. Cook for me.

5. Hold my hand when we're out.

4. Have an amazing father. <-- yea, that's pretty much a "must" for me. smh and lol

3. Make me laugh until I cry

2. Take walks with me in the middle of the night.

1. Come visit me when I'm sad/stressed/upset and take me to go get ice cream.

**the German did 5 of the 8 things on this list for me this summer. The only things he's missing: his father has passed away, he grew up in Carson, CA, so there is no accent and he doesn't cook. But he has the rest down pat. #sigh

Day Two

2010-08-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

So this is day 2 of the lil challenge thingee.

Today's objective: 9 things about me
Summary: Randomness about me!

9. I keep rollerblades in the trunk of my car, just in case I ever get the urge to get back out there and get my roll on. Seriously. lol

8. When I was about younger I used to scare the little girl down the block by saying the crows would pick her eyes out of her head with their beaks. To this day I'm not sure WHY. lol.

7. Moscato is my official wine of choice. The fact that the kind I buy at Vons is only $3 makes me ashamed to admit that though.

6. Seeing good things happen to good people makes me genuinely happy. Seeing people who have done me wrong struggle makes me happy as well <---- and yes, I know it shouldn't. I'm working on it, k!

5. One of my most favorite places to be in the world is in my car, flying down a highway. Alone. It's easy to put the car in 5th and pretend like I'm never coming back.

4. My mind is in constant turmoil; my desire to be left the hell alone is always in contrast with my desire to be loved. Guess which one has been winning lately?

3. I never threw those shoes away. But hey, at least I've stopped wearing them. LOL. I'm just too lazy to toss em.

2. My paternal grandma (dad's mom) scared the hell out of me and I always begged my mom not to make me go see her. lol.

1. After spending the past 3 months learning about "learning", I've recognized that I am now, and always have been, ADHD. I figure the only reason I wasn't diagnosed and given meds was because I was in the "Gifted and Talented" Education classes and was very high functioning. Damn. lol.

F*ck You - Ceelo Green

2010-08-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

This song goes hard in the paint. And seeing as how this just so happens to be EXACTLY what I said HERE (read #4), I laughed my butt off when I heard this song for the first time today.... what a coincidence. #thatisall

Day One, you beezies!

2010-08-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

So this is day 1 of the lil challenge thingee.

Today's objective: 10 things I want to say to 10 different people.
Summary: It's me being a coward, basically. lol

10. Your sister treats you like your Cinderella so I've started calling her the evil step-sister when I talk about her to others. I'm afraid one day I'ma slip up and call her that to her face. lol.

9. I'm 100% sure that your new wife is a mail-order bride. And you'll never be able to convince me otherwise. -_-

8. Your girlfriend is the coolest person ever. I really, really like her. But why does she have to have such unfortunate facial features?

7. I think I love you, a little bit. But after a few weeks consideration, I've decided not to act on it. Love in my life seems to crash and burn. No thanks.

6. You never judge me, and that means more to me than you could ever know. I don't know how you don't, cuz I def be judging you. LOL. But you're the best friend a girl could ever have.

5. Would you get offended if I offered to buy you a better weave? Cuz the one you have..... just isn't cuttin it. smh and lol

4. F*ck you.

3. Seeing the pics from your wedding this weekend made me so happy. Good things should happen to good people, and girly, you're the best kind of people.

2. Your breath stinks, all the time. And all the time, your breath stinks. Invisalign isn't code for "I wear invisible braces so I don't need to brush my teeth" .... just. ugh. lol.

1. I'm not really a tease, I just really don't wanna sleep with you. #shrugs <--- is it sad that I've felt that way like 2,332 times in the past 3-4 years? LOL.

A Short, Do-Able List

2010-08-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

Starting tomorrow I'm gonna answer this as truthfully ~~as possible~~. lol

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I've been busy, and I don't have much going on aside from the career and grad school. MAN. It feels crazy to say I have a career. lol. But I'm going to try to answer these once a day. If I don't make it, sue me. lol

SMH furiously...

2010-08-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

At first glance, my loafers look cute (yes, I call them loafers because... well... that's what my grandma called em lol)

But then you take that second glance... that "from the side" glance:

Still not sure what's going on? Here's a closer pic.

Yes, the soles of my shoes have completely extricated themselves from the rest of my shoes. *insert sad face here*

I am just LOST in the game. Haven't shopped in centuries. I wore these shoes everyday throughout the summer while learning to teach/teaching summer school/taking grad school classes and now? I am STILL wearing them.

Selah = Living that trife life. lol

Yea. I know. Gon head and talk yo trash right now. *hangs head*

Even my mom was upset with me when she saw my shoes, and that's coming from a woman who hates shopping and only owns 3 pairs her damn self.

Moral of this story: While I'm on my grad student/full time teacher status grind I need to gon' head and ALSO get on my "find me a rich man" grind... cuz mama needs a new pair of shoes!!

LMAO and SMH at myself. lol

If I wasn't such a super thug this song would make me cry

2010-08-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Elephants by Rachael Yamagata.

And yes... I know I'm about 2 years late. But this song rocks. Sue me. lol

No Country for People who Hit my Car and Run

2010-08-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

They're lucky the damage is just on the surface. I won't call it minor damages though, because it's my property that they've damaged. And that's never minor. Hmmph.

And you know where it was? Outside of a teacher supply store. SOME RATCHET AZZ TEACHER DIDN'T EVEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS. I weep for the children they teach. lol.

*insert mean face here*

It's Not Healthy, But That's Nothing New

2010-08-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

Via: KriminalRomantic.tumblr.com

Because what's life without a little bit of pain? That's what I ~~have started telling myself in response to my tendency to inflict pain knowingly on myself~~ have always said ... BTW.... as much as I'm on Tumblr, I should def just get my own, huh? lol

Reason #233 why your "daddy issues" ain't got nothing on mine. lol.

2010-08-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

My dad up and disappears for months at a time and pops up again with Colombian wives* in tow.

*we're now on his 2nd colombian wife. The other had 2 kids. She up and left him in the middle of the night a few years back though. I'm taking bets on how long this one stays around. Any takers? LOLOLOL